Finding Absolute love unexpectedly

by Kathy Cunningham

Images by Steve Caudwell and Neil Jones

Have you ever heard a stag roar during mating season? Have you ever trained a dog? Have you ever lived on a farm? Have you ever fallen in love quickly, honestly, openly, with all your heart and soul and never looked back despite family suggesting you are moving way too fast?

Welcome to my world. At the tender age of 62, I am head over heels in love with a deer farmer and he is deeply in love with me. Never in one million years did I imagine that I would be living this life and I am the happiest I have ever been. 

Andy is honest. Kind. Generous. Impatient. Caring. Trusting. Loves me more than I will ever imagine. Tender. Strong. Interested. Interesting. My deepest desire is for us to remain passionately curious about each other, our families and friends, the community where we live and the world around us.

Andy and I had an epic first date. He whisked me away to the beach to enjoy a long talk and a glass of wine in a classic car.  When an older couple admired his car, Andy asked if they wanted a ride. The expression on their faces was complete joy and I thought it was a kind gesture they will remember for a long time.

On the way to the deer farm, we stopped at the botanic gardens for a stroll. When walking towards the car, Andy asked me if I wanted to drive. With an immediate YES, I thought that he was being very trusting since he had never been in a car with me driving!  Once we arrived safely and enjoyably home, I had the extraordinary experience of seeing deer on his farm for the first time.

Deer move like a swarm of fish when they followed us to eventually enjoy a treat of maise. They also reminded me of meerkats when they quickly raised their heads to see what was happening around them.  They sometimes stand on their hind legs and box like kangaroos when moving in for a feed.

On the way back to the house, we startled a duck who flew into the fence. Unharmed but stunned, Andy apologised to the duck. Not sure why I was surprised and when I mentioned this, Andy’s reply was that he would never harm an animal. Hmmm.  This is just getting better and better every minute.

When we arrive back at the house, Andy cooks the first course with care – hand minced paua that he had from his recent adventure in Stewart Island where he hunted while his friends fished and dove for tasty treasure. We continue to chat over the course of the evening. We learn about and appreciate how we got to this moment and place with each other.

Could this blossoming relationship possibly get better? Well, it does on date two! Andy presents me with a special birthday gift in the garden he built for his late wife who suddenly died of a heart condition eight years prior. It was a very emotional space, and I was initially unsure of the setting. But after a quiet pause, we shared. We shared stories of love and loss, of family and friends.  We just shared and our bond grew stronger.

And the rest is blissful history. Mostly.

We have nothing to argue about. Our values are so closely aligned that we discuss and debate rather than argue. How is this actually possible? Could this way of communicating with respect last forever? Well, no. Our first disagreement did not occur until after our 7-month anniversary when we were on a big adventure exploring the East Cape in a caravan. Was it the constant physical closeness that made us both erupt? Or was it just a matter of time? I think both and I could not even tell you what we argued about because I do not remember.

We have had several arguments since and I believe that we are finding our way with this precious opportunity we have to be with each other knowing that disagreements will occur in the future.

I believe that when we look at our lives and the time we have left on this planet, when we truly respect each other, we honour ourselves and those around us by communicating with care.  We are grateful for each other and demonstrate this often.  We celebrate our love and when we are apart, we miss each other.

Why, in my 62 years on this earth have I never had a relationship like this one? Is it because we are older? Is it because we are grateful for each other and acknowledge this often? Is it because we play to each other’s strengths and that we are a great team? Is it because we have nothing to prove and that we are comfortable in our own skin?

The answer is in all these questions and those I have yet to consider. While I ponder on how and why we feel so lucky to have each other, I also reflect on the other qualities we share.  We laugh. We just love making each other laugh! We can make each other laugh at a silly comment or gesture. We laugh at a shared experience or a memory, a movie or a conversation.  It is important to laugh often.

We explore and enjoy going to places we have never been. I recall driving past an historic site for the past five years and never stopping. When Andy said that he had never been, he immediately drove in the gate so that we could learn what this place was all about. We will remember stopping there and learning about this site for a long time. Shared experiences are significant.

A bit of spontaneity is essential especially for someone like me who is always planning.  I love having something to look forward to and have learned that the thrill of jumping in the car for a walk with the dog in a place we have never been is a necessary part of our relationship. It is taking time to hold hands while walking and talking. It is walking side by side in silence.  It is a nod and a knowing.

I have never trained a dog before and have been given the most amazing gift of working with Toby our rescue dog to teach him a few things. Toby has taught me how to play, about being patient and that a dog provides an incredible amount of joy. I have seen Toby run with abandon on the beach and wag his entire body when he sees Andy who has grown up with mostly farm dogs.  We discuss, debate and disagree on certain training methods so Toby and I are going to school together. Not sure who will learn more. 

Andy and I appreciate each other. Andy has helped me look at situations differently and I have helped him load a trailer full of firewood. I have also tried to be helpful on the farm and have found that being in a shed with a bunch of calves is not my idea of heaven but will help him herd them in there. Andy had warned me that when a cow raises its tail, it will pee or poop. When a calf peed in my gumboot without any notice, I immediately went home to take a long shower and was of no further help that day.

We are planning adventures! Andy has never been to New York where I lived for nearly ten years and I have never been to Amsterdam where one of his daughters live. We are also planning a wedding and once New Zealand’s border opens and our families and friends can arrive without quarantine, we will be married.

My deepest desire is to stay connected to this amazing man who has made me so happy and can make me smile with a gaze. And I will stay focused on us – our health and well-being so that we will be able to explore and share experiences that we will treasure for a long time.

If you are still wondering what a stag sounds like when it roars, it sounds like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, a bugle or a squeaky door in a scary movie. The first time Toby heard a stag roar, he ran inside and looked at me to make sure we were safe. It is the strangest sound I have ever heard.

Andy and I will continue to grow and learn and respect each other’s differences and strengths. We have much to look forward to and will take all opportunities presented to us. We will enjoy every moment to do something good for each other and the community around us.

We have no idea what tomorrow holds, so we will continue to love, cherish and adore each other. And, for that, we feel lucky and are extremely grateful.