Present with myself by Erika Ehrman
Illustrations by Erika Ehrman
When I used to think of my happy place it would often be a physical destination. My little cottage in LI, being in nature amongst trees and water. A place that made my nervous system calm. Somewhere that was visually appealing and touched my heart and soul. Then covid happened and those types of destinations became elusive. I live in Manhattan and had no access to a car or even a bike. Much like so many of us, I was held hostage in my home and neighborhood and had limited access to those very places that fed my soul.
In the midst of the pandemic so many of us found new and old hobbies to pass the time. I was grateful that a few years prior I had started to paint. It was something I did to get through a period of withdrawal from a romantic relationship that was ending. My heart was broken and I was triggered by every movie, TV show and song. You would be surprised by how much content there is around romance. The only thing I could watch were art documentaries and I became hooked. What most inspired me was this idea of play; the way we used to as kids.
Tapping into a creative side that isn’t driven by validation or approval. It’s for self enjoyment. I was given permission to play again in a way that was crushed by my father when I was at the peak of my creativity. You see, both my parents were artists and I experienced my own form of art trauma when I walked into the room my easel was in and found my father fixing the very painting I had been working on for weeks, without my permission. The message I received was loud and clear….. You suck and you are not good enough to be an artist! I never picked up a paint brush or made art for years after. However, I could not fully escape creativity, but rather than becoming a creator, I became a facilitator. I produced work for incredibly talented artists and helped create content I was proud to be a part of.
When I pursued art again I began working with mixed media, mixing textures and different elements together. It was incredibly cathartic and dark, raw and lacked color. Remember I was grieving and like a poet who writes somber and emotional prose, my pain bled on the canvas. As my sadness lessened I was drawn to bold 2 dimensional shapes and began working with metallic gold and silver paints that eventually evolved into bright colors. This process/journey I was on became the breadcrumbs to following a path of self awareness. I connected to my most authentic self without interference from a father, or ex-husband or anyone who was highly influential in my life. I realized that the classic tale of self abandonment due to self sacrifice when you marry and have kids was true for me. I spent the better part of my early adult life not really understanding who I was, Divorce and time with myself allowed me to connect with my passion and love of art which rebirthed the part of me that was killed off, to now be seen and heard again.
Painting and being creative transports me to my happy place, because I am 100% present with myself. Through this evolution of self discovery I learned to love and appreciate the person that I am. I can tell my story through my art and it doesn’t really matter if no one gets it. What I want people to experience from my work is a modality in which the viewer can have their own relationship to the piece, make their own connections and tell their own story.
I do not want my story to impact the art. If it brings up feelings of joy, curiosity, or even sadness I feel pleased that my work is able to move people emotionally in that way. I believe everyone has their happy place within themselves, many of us often don’t understand it’s right there within us all along. Art in any medium, is a wonderful way to connect and create a space inside of us that we can have wherever we go.
Erika Ehrman
IG:@erika.ehrman
